Poison Lady Anissina and the Attack of the Giant Mutant Bed Bugs
by Captain Zangano
Summary: Wolfram reads Greta a bedtime story.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kyou kara Maou.

**Rated T:** For Anissina's book. (Violence and bed bug "swords")

**Pairings:** None.

**Author's Note: **Written for the RLt Fall Event. Prompt: Parody

* * *

**Poison Lady Anissina and the Attack of the Giant Mutant Bed Bugs**

**.**

**.**

"Read me a bedtime story, Papa Wolfram!" Greta shouted as she jumped on the bed.

"Would you like to hear _The Princess Bearbee and her Enchanted Rosebush_?" Wolfram asked hopefully.

"No, that one's boring," Greta said. "I want to hear a Poison Lady Anissina story!"

"I don't think those books are appropriate for children," Wolfram said.

"But I like them," Greta said as her lower lip trembled, "And Anissina says they're educational."

Wolfram paused. "Greta, are you sure you're going to be able to sleep tonight?"

"Of course, Papa Wolfram."

Wolfram scratched his head, but then remembered that Greta hadn't had any problems sleeping after he had read _Poison Lady Anissina and the Bloodsucking Cactus_. In fact, Greta was the only one who slept well after a reading of Anissina's stories.

Wolfram sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Greta snuggled closer to Wolfram as he opened Anissina's latest book. _Poison Lady Anissina and the Attack of the Mutant Bed Bugs._

* * *

Once upon a time in a land that of course in absolutely no way, shape, or form resembles Shin Makoku, there lived a brilliant red-haired female inventor. She was feared and revered throughout the land. Even the foul-tempered extremely grumpy Lord Grumpy Gwendal von Voltaire had to admit that her inventions had saved the kingdom numerous times.

In the kingdom there also lived a skilled swordsman named Lord Weller. Weller was a half-demon. Being a cross of two inbred lines, Weller possessed something known as classical hybrid vigor. The ingenious Poison Lady suspected that Weller's superior fighting skills and regenerative tissue properties stemmed from this hybrid vigor. Like anyone with special qualities, Lord Weller was sometimes oppressed by those who feared or misunderstood him, just as men who feared female sexuality oppressed women, and nobles would often oppress peasants as they feared that one day the peasant-farmers would realize that most nobles barely knew how to put on their trousers, much less produce their own food, and they would rise up and demand their fair share.

* * *

Wolfram paused. "I'm not certain this book is appropriate for children," he said. His eyebrow was raised in a way that warned Greta he was considering stopping the story.

"Read some more, Papa Wolfram," she said with a smile.

Wolfram muttered something about the "Red Menace", but continued reading.

* * *

_"_Lord Weller, I need some assistance conducting my research," said the adorably cute, but incredibly dangerous Poison Lady. She was cute like a honey bee - adorable, fuzzy, and wide-eyed: the epitome of sweetness until you got stung. "Specifically, I need to run some tests on your arm tissue," the Poison Lady explained.

Weller paused for a moment to consider her request. Then he drew his sword and lopped off his left arm.

"I'm always glad to lend a hand…or arm," he said with a smile as he handed his severed arm over to the imposing Poison Lady. Then he walked briskly away down the castle hallway before she could request more body parts for her research.

Blood splattered on the floor, creating a disgusting mess that the maids would have to clean up later. Men were always thoughtlessly making messes that they expected women to clean up for them. (Especially Lord Grumpy Gwendal von Voltaire, who always forgot to pick up his dirty socks)

Anissina ran gleefully into her lab to start the experiment. At long last she would unlock the secret of Conrad Weller's awesomeness. She scrapped off some arm tissue and threw it into her newest invention: Let's-unzip-your-genes-kun.

At that same moment, Sangria the maid set down her basket of dirty linens outside the Poison Lady's lab in order to mop up the blood spots on the floor. A six-legged hitch-hiker scuttled out of the linen basket and into the lab. The tiny blood-sucker crawled around unnoticed while the Poison Lady toiled over her invention. When the great researcher's back was turned, the insect fell directly into the Let's-unzip-your-genes-kun.

The great Poison Lady continued with her science project blissfully unaware that something was about to go horrendously wrong. Because even the greatest, most brilliant, most incredibly intelligent of scientists can sometimes make a fatal mistake…

**_._**

_Later that night…_

Dorcas was awakened from a pleasant dream when he felt his mattress move underneath him. He sat up with a start. Had it been a dream? No, another lump moved under the mattress and Dorcas gulped in fear. If he had any hair at all, it would have been standing on end.

"Maybe it's a rat," he said to the empty room. "Please be a rat."

Dorcas trembled as he peered down under the mattress. His breath caught in his throat as he saw a pair of glowing eyes staring back at him.

"Ah, ah NOOOOO!" Dorcas screamed as he flailed his arms and fell off the bed. The glowing eyes slowly came closer. Moonlight glinted off numerous legs and a single sword. Dorcas tried to back away, to get up and run, but it was too late. A rushing and growling sound was heard. Then the slash of a sword. "Argh! Why do these things always happen to me?" Dorcas cried as he passed out from pain and fright.

**_._**

The skilled castle healer Gisela examined Dorcas' body. "These stab wounds were made by mutant bed bugs," she said solemnly.

"Bed bugs?" Lord Grumpy Gwendal asked with a frown. "How could bedbugs cause those large stab wounds?"

"Well you see, male bedbugs have very distinctive swords. Normally they don't get this big, that's why they must be mutants. But what confirms my diagnosis is that Dorcas' wounds contain-"

* * *

Wolfram's face turned red as he closed the book. "That's enough for tonight," he said.

"But I want to hear the ending," Greta said with a pout.

"And then a mysterious, but incredibly good-looking fire demon appeared, and burned all the bedbugs to a crisp, instantly solving the problem. The end. Now go to bed."

"You made that up!"

"I improved the ending since the book was getting too long," Wolfram said.

"I want to hear the real ending."

"No you don't."

"Papa Wolfram…" A single tear escaped Greta's eyes and glistened on her cheek.

"Greta…" Wolfram said. "Ok, fine." Wolfram had a soft spot a mile wide when it came to Greta.

* * *

Upon hearing the diagnosis, the brave Poison Lady wasted no time. "We must test the fluid left in Dorcas' wounds, and find out what kind of mutants these are."

The Poison Lady gasped as she saw the test results. "No, it can't be," she whispered.

But unfortunately it was true. The oversized cimbicid had some of Weller's genes, which meant that the monster must have originated in the Poison Lady's lab.

**_._**

"Lord Weller!" Anissina called, "I have some important information for you."

"Can't you see we're in the middle of a fight?" Lord Grumpy Gwendal von Voltaire asked with a grumpy twitch of his eyebrow.

"But that's what this is about!" The Poison Lady yelled back. "Lord Weller, you can't defeat the mutant bed bugs with a sword."

"What?" Conrad asked as he plunged his sword into one of the beasts. The bed bug split in half, but instead of dying, it regenerated, and then Conrad was faced with two very angry mutant bed bugs. "What's going on?" he asked as he fought the two sword-wielding monstrosities.

"You can't defeat them…because you're their father."

"What?" Conrad gasped as he dropped his sword with a clatter. "How is that even possible?"

"Anissina, what is the meaning of this?" Lord Grumpy Gwendal demanded.

"Well, you're not literally their father, but when I ran tests on the mutant bed bug, at least half its genes were identical to Conrad's"

They stared at her. The mutant bed bug-ninjas took the opportunity to chop off both of Conrad's arms. Then in true bed bug fashion, they-

* * *

"They what, Papa Wolfram?" Greta asked.

"They quickly ran away," Wolfram said.

Greta folded her arms and gave him a suspicious look.

* * *

Fortunately Yozak was there to help Conrad away from the bed bugs.

Yozak was such a good spy that no-one ever knew he was there – even when he was right in front of them wearing a lacy corset. Most muscle men would stand out in full drag, but most of the time, it was like Yozak wasn't even there. Sometimes he wondered if people thought he was too awesome to be real, and therefore had to be Conrad's imaginary friend.

Yozak helped Conrad down to the medical wing, wincing every time blood splattered on his dress.

"These stains are going to take forever to get out," he complained.

"Mph," said Conrad, stumbling a little as he walked down the hall.

**.**

"It's a good thing Conrad's arms can grow back," Gisela the talented castle healer said.

"I need to go defeat the bed bugs," Conrad grunted as he struggled to sit up. "They're my responsibility. I don't know how, but maybe-"

"Ha! You need to rest," Gisela said as she morphed into super-scary sergeant mode. "Or am I going to have to cut your legs off to keep you here?"

"I thought doctors were supposed to heal injuries, not make more," Conrad grumbled.

"They'll grow back," Gisela said. "Now hold still, I have to clean out your stab wounds."

Gisela was taking no chances since last time Conrad lost an arm, he turned up in a whole different country. There was no telling where he might wander off to after losing both arms.

"It's my doing," the Poison Lady admitted, "I did a very foolish thing. I experimented with Conrad's genes in a non-biosecure laboratory. I think a bedbug might have fallen into the machinery."

But the Poison Lady was not one to wallow in despair after making mistake. No, instead she threw herself into her research with renewed fervor. If Giant Mutant Bedbug-Wellers couldn't be defeated with a sword, how could they be defeated?

"Yozak," she said after much deliberation. "I need a live specimen for experimentation. Could you get me one?"

"I just redid my make-up and changed, now they'll get messed up again," Yozak whined. But then a bed bug scuttled past and Yozak jumped on top of it and used his giant biceps to wrestle it to the ground.

"Quick, grab some ropes!" Anissina shouted.

Gwendal had been knitting in a corner, and used his yarn to secure all six of the insect's legs as Yozak continued to pin down the bed bug with his huge arm. Gwendal continued knitting the yarn around, even going so far as to make a fuzzy sweater for the bed bug.

**_._**

Everyone anxiously waited as Anissina emerged triumphantly from her lab. "I've been able to communicate with the bed bug. It turns out all they are really trying to do is protect the castle. It seems the instinct is in their genes."

"Protect the castle?" Grumpy Gwendal asked. "But then why did they attack us?"

"They still have their bed bug instincts to go after anything that is warm and moves," Anissina explained. "That's why they went after us at first. But I've made a deal with them. As long as Gwendal knits them fuzzy sweaters, and I use my lab to make a blood substitute food for them, they've agreed to guard the castle from intruders."

Everyone cheered. Gwendal spent the rest of the week knitting fuzzy bed bug sweaters, Anissina worked industriously in her lab, and the bedbugs were tied up at strategic locations outside of the castle as scary looking six-legged "guard dogs" with built in swords.

Maybe now King Yuuri wouldn't get kidnapped as often. And Saralegui would probably think twice before visiting_._

**_._**

_The End_

* * *

"…I like the ending," said Wolfram.


End file.
